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LUDIC LISTS

10.09.2004

WORDS YOU CAN SAY AFTER 'PHILADELPHIA'

1.  'Freedom'

2.  'Cheesesteak'

3.  'Eagles'

4.  'Soul'

5.  'Killing spree'

COMPLETELY MADE-UP GOSSIP ABOUT WRITERS AT THIS YEAR'S 215 FESTIVAL

1.  Neal Pollack ceded his title of 'America's Greatest Living Writer' to Mary Higgins Clark at an elaborate ceremony at the Independence Mall

2.  Jennifer Amey revealed that she's not really Canadian, but rather Micronesian, and has just been pretending to be Canadian to seem like a big shot
 
3.  Jonathan Lethem downed 84 hot dogs in 12 minutes at the official 215 Eating Contest, but still lost to Amanda Stern

4.  Mary Richardson Graham announced that anyone who wants to read at next year's festival has to get down on their knees and kiss her pinkie toe

5.  John Hodgman confessed that he's "crying on the inside"

CLAIMS TO FAME OF PHILADELPHIA MAYORS

1.  Frank Rizzo:  only mayor in city history who killed a man in Reno just to watch him die

2.  Wilson Goode:  first mayor to burn down half the city in attempt to get some black activists to 'move' to another neighborhood

3.  Ed Rendell:  somehow became mayor by rigging election results in Florida

4.  Vortegur Halgrath:  was not actually mayor of Philadelphia, but just some guy I made up

5.  Humphrey Morrey:  was mayor when, like, dinosaurs walked the Earth

FAVORITE THEMES OF 215 READERS

1.  Finger-banging

2.  Sexually transmitted diseases

3.  Saying the word 'McSweeney's' as many times as possible

4.  alcohol

5.  Williamsburg

THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT PENNSYLVANIA

1.  Fireworks not legally available, or time bombs either

2.  Home to at least 17 Chinese people

3.  Is always telling New Jersey what to do

4.  Unexplainable fondness for denim

5.  Name means "candy is delicious" in Ojibway

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