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PORNOGRAPHIC FILMS PLAYING IN THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT OF DOWNTOWN HELL 1. Andy Warhol's "Refractory Period" 2. The Green Door Up My Behind 3. Where the Boys Aren't, and Haven't Been Since Around 1952 4. Debbie Does West Memphis, Arkansas 5. The Devil in Miss Dworkin EXCUSES MADE BY NAPOLEON FOR LOSING BATTLE OF WATERLOO 1. Field Marshal General Gebhardt Leberecht Prince Blücher von Wahlstadt was stealing signals 2. I'm pretty sure I was supposed to have, like, a lot more troops, but they never even showed up, and you can't blame me for that, man 3. Couldn't stop laughing at General Grouchy's name 4. Was totally baked 5. Got that ABBA song stuck in my head and it was really distracting FOOD PREPARATION AND PRESENTATION TECHNIQUES THAT ARE LARGELY UNKNOWN IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM 1. deviling 2. rosetting 3. candying 4. shaking; baking 5. kebabing THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH MONKEYS, GIVEN CERTAIN PIECES OF EQUIPMENT AND A FIXED AMOUNT OF TIME 1. 1000 monkeys, 1000 typewriters, 1000 years: write the complete works of William Shakespeare 2. 12 monkeys, 20 cameras, 3 months: create a top-rated reality show 3. 346 monkeys, 2004 cans of house paint, 200 years: produce a painting about which at least a hundred thousand people will say "You call that art? My five-year-old kid could do a better job than that." 4. 5000 monkeys, 10,000 doses of PCP, 2 week: make the Republican National Convention much more entertaining 5. 1 monkey, 2 cell phones, 15 minutes: develop a better sitcom than "Home Improvement" DEVIANT SEXUAL PRACTICES UNIQUE TO THE DC UNIVERSE 1. DeSaadomy 2. Cluemasterbation 3. Georgeperezbianism 4. Riddler in the Front, Joker in the Back 5. Chromosexuality |
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