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10.23.2004

LITTLE-KNOWN ANNUAL GRANTS

1.  The "Dr. Butt" Grant for Creative Advancement in Colonoscopy

2.  The Donald Trump Annual Horrible Asshole Endowment for the Overuse of Donald Trump's Name and/or Image

3.  The Post-Dead Studies Development Grant for, Like, Totally Good Ideas That We Forgot to Write Down

4.  Big Tony's Keeping Your Trap Shut Foundation Grant

5.  The Von Doom Institute Prize for Dangerous Robotics

BEST-FORGOTTEN REMIXES

1.  "Paid in Full:  The Two Hundred and Fourteen Minutes of Senile Dementia Remix"

2.  "Tom's Diner:  The Remix with Everything Taken Out But Suzanne Vega Singing The Hook Remix"
 
3.  "Personal Jesus:  Remixed By Jesus Version"

4.  "19:  Paul Hardcastle Blues Harmonica Remix"

5.  "South Side:  Endless Vegan Exhortation Edition"

TAX CODE CHANGES TO BE AWARE OF

1.  Charitable donations to disease research cannot be deducted if it is for a disease you created

2.  Ticks, remoras and leeches do not count as dependents

3.  You cannot count children that you never actually had, even if you have given them names and bought them birthday presents

4.  There is no occupation for which money spent on prostitutes is a legitimate business expense, except pimp

5.  Do not throw in "a few extra bucks" so your auditor can "buy (himself) something nice"

GRADUATE-LEVEL CLASSES I REGRET TAKING

1.  Bovarian Effluvium:  Scatplay in Flaubert

2.  Splitting the Differend:  Tipping Patterns of the Post-Structuralists

3.  The Billy Goats Gruff:  A Marxist Perspective

4.  Dialogue as Rape Substitute in the Works of James Michener

5.  Inside Jacques Barzun, Literally

SUPERHERO LEGISLATION

1.  The Bat-Signal Inclement Weather Provision

2.  The Kryptonite Cleanup Measure of 1974

3.  The Obligatory Ethnic Sidekick Act

4.  The Costumed Ward Sexual Abuse Prevention Initiative ("Bucky's Law")

5.  The Henry Peter Gyrich Memorial Annoyance Statutes

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