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FIVE FAILED IDEAS FOR RESTAURANTS I HAD 1. Pizza in a Cup: hot pizza and cold beer in replica 7-11 collector's cups from the late 1970s and early 1980s. 2. The Bunny Hutch: pick your own rabbit, which we will then fry, fricasse, boil, broil or put into a stew. Welsh Rarebit available for vegetarians. If you feel guilty, for a small fee you may "rescue" a bunny and take it home. 3. Elvis' Restaurant: You can get anything you want at Elvis' Restaurant...provided it was one of the King's favorite dishes. Baked Bologna Loaf and Peanut Butter & Bacon Sandwiches our speciality. 4. The D.I.Y. Cafe: Ever find yourself eating out and thinking, "I could have made this myself at home for half the price"? Well, now you can! We provide each customer with a list of ingredients and a small test kitchen, and let them go to it. Great prices, a feeling of accomplishment, and no tipping! 5. DichoTommy's: Split into two halves, one advertising its food as "homestyle" and the other as "restaurant-quality". FIVE CONSUMER PRODUCT IDEAS I NEVER FOLLOWED UP ON 1. Poob: Peanut butter in a toothpaste-style tube, targeted at children. Idea later stolen by actual peanut butter manufacturer. Line was also to feature peanut butter & chocolate (CocoPoob) and peanut butter and jelly (JujuPoob). 2. Pizzi-O's: Sugary pirate-themed breakfast cereal shaped like miniature pizzas; makes milk turn red. Mascot would be pirate with bread stick instead of wooden leg, pizza cutter instead of hook for hand, and pepperoni eye patch. 3. Frozizzio: Up-market frozen pizza that comes in a delivery box and already has several pieces missing and an abandoned crust or two. 4. Reflected Brilliance: Service where you would rent out smart people to accompany you to parties, laugh at your jokes, and tell people who intelligent and sophisticated you are, to create a cunning illusion that you are not an overpaid moron. Also available in "IndyCred" model for artists. 5. Pretro: A personal shopper goes to grocery stores, department stores, etc. and picks out for you all the current items that will have ironic, kitch, camp or retro value 10-20 years from now. Get your nostalgia now, before it quadruples in value! FIVE MOVIES I NEVER GOT AROUND TO PRODUCING 1. Money Shot, an epic porn film consisting of edited scenes from other porn films with all the sex scenes removed, leaving nothing but dialogue 2. full-length, word-for-word adaptation of William Gaddis' JR 3. Trance-Gendered, the story of a cross-dressing hypnotist 4. all-hillbilly version of King Lear 5. Bloated in the Nation: The Life of John Popper FIVE MONEYMAKING OPPORTUNITIES I CAME UP WITH THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT 1. designing a video game based on the Godfather trilogy, including the opportunity to dig up Sofia Coppola's character in Godfather III and kill her several more times 2. eGoons, an internet startup offering customers the ability to hire professional thugs, toughs and leg-breakers online 3. The Last Walk, a dog-walking service for people who are trying to get rid of their dogs but don't have the guts; we take them out and "lose" them, and provide you with a plausible story for friends, spouses or children 4. Rent-a-Geek: we learn baseball statistics, comic book trivia and obscure details about long-disbanded musical groups so you don't have to 5. A 'situation wanted' ad I was planning on putting in the paper where I offer to sit around my apartment reading books, smoking weed, masturbating and sleeping, all for the low price of $50,000 a year FIVE BOOKS I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN, BUT DIDN'T 1. On the Tip of My Tongue: A Novel About Making Out 2. Well, What Do You Call It, Then?: A Complete Guide to Regional Expressions 3. Now We Go To Wet Hole, a novel told from the laundry's point of view 4. As Not Seen On TV: Americans Misremember Their Favorite Television Moments 5. My Life in the Bush of Guest, a memoir of my love affair with Jamie Lee Curtis |
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