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AARSTEIN'S ZOOLOGIST: THE FUNNIEST ANIMALS IN NATURE, PART 1. A: AARDVARK. First in the dictionary, and first in laughs. Name means "earth pig", in Afrikaans no less. Comical tongue protrudes from oversized snout, used to eat ants and termites. Is a nocturnal ungulate. B: BABOON. 'B' sounds combined with always-funny 'oon' makes for a funny name. Is a type of monkey, and monkeys are always funny. Certain varieties have unusual-looking buttocks, such as bright red or striped. C: CHICKEN. Comedically, almost as solid as the monkey. Rubber chickens; chickens crossing road and possible reasons why; chicken/egg origin controversy; cowardly people referred to as chickens; 'tastes like chicken'. Chickenshit. 'Chicken' is funny word; some people say it like 'chickum'. D: DINGO: 'Dingo' extremely funny word. Australian in origin; comes out of Australian tradition of animals with comical names. Make jokes about carrying away, eating babies. E: ECHIDNA. Extremely comical-looking. Australian. Spiny coat, but no teeth. Bears striking resemblance to television evangelist Robert Tilton. Oviparous. Narrowly beats out emu. F: FISH. Generally funny. Fun to say the word 'fish'. Sexual connotations. Surrealist symbol. Generic. Tell lots of fishing jokes, which, like golf jokes, are inexplicably popular. In Great Britain, the fruitbat is considered the funniest 'F' animal. G: GECKO. Bizarre-looking lizard. Bugged-out eyes, large toes, leaps about comically. Funny name, contains 'eck' sound. Gordon Gekko from Wall Street; Geico auto insurance mascot. Note that the gibbon, while a type of monkey, is generally felt to be frightening rather than funny. H: HIPPOPOTAMUS: Large, ungainly, clumsy, funny-looking. 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'. Both 'hippo' and 'hippopotamus' are funny-sounding. Make jokes about fat people. Hippocampus also funniest part of the brain. I: IBIZAN HOUND. Nobody knows why the Ibizan hound is so funny. It just is. J: JACANA. Tropical bird with very long legs and crooked neck. Wades through water in comical fashion. Makes funny noise. Not that funny, really, but closest competition is terrifying jaguar and profoundly unfunny Japanese beetle. K: KOOKABURRA. Faces strong competition; almost all animals starting with 'K' are funny, including fellow Australian laugh-riot animals such as the kiwi and the kangaroo. Kookaburra wins on strength of incredibly funny name, bizarre bird call, and alternate name: 'the laughing jackass'. L: LUNGFISH. Breathe by using an inflated swim bladder. Resemble a huge worm or malformed penis. Combines funny words 'lung' and 'fish'. Some people believe that the loris is funnier than the lungfish, but those people are just wrong. M: MONKEY. Come on. (to be continued) |
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