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REJECTED TITLES FOR "PULP FICTION" 1. John Travolta Presents: "Pulp Fiction" 2. City On Fire III 3. The Abbreviated Adventures of the Gimp 4. You'll Be Sorry 5. The Jheri-Curl Killer LITTLE-KNOWN GRECO-ROMAN GODS 1. Capitata (goddess of cabbage) 2. Asthenia (goddess of obsessive-compulsive disorder) 3. Hector (god of recycling) 4. Oxaloaceticus (god of oxaloacetic acid) 5. Chloros (god of seasickness) TOP FIVE VIDEO GAMES ON THE FAMILY VALUES COALITION'S 2002 CHRISTMAS WATCH LIST 1. Skinwearer 2. Jayson Williams' NBA Slaughterhouse 2K3 3. Super Mario Bath-house 4. House of Bad Language (feat. Big Mike of the Geto Boys) 5. Tomb Raider VI: Beneath Cleopatra's Mattress MOST INEFFECTUAL MEMBERS OF THE GREEN LANTERN CORPS, AND WHY 1. Vr'lot, Green Lantern of Sector 37 (comes from a race of superintelligent but very small and immobile sentient coral) 2. Hargeth Juxal, Green Lantern of Sector 1123 (broke power ring in a car accident over 14 years ago and has been too embarrassed to say anything about it) 3. Huesh, Green Lantern of Sector 3149 (due to low self-esteem stemming from bad breakup with her boyfriend, lacks sufficient willpower to use power ring for anything more complicated than moving food from container to her mouth) 4. Avix Nurama, Green Lantern of Sector 3242 (completely scammed the Guardians of Oa; sold power ring to a pawn shop for the equivalent of $80 nine minutes after getting it) 5. XL411A3/H, Green Lantern of Sector 2514 (great degree of determination and will, but extremely literal-minded; has been using power ring only to illuminate nighttime industrial mining activities) THE OLD TESTAMENT, IN LIST FORM 1. Genesis: Earth created; hijinks ensue 2. Exodus: Let's drown some Egyptians 3. Leviticus: No homos 4. Numbers: God fucked with; responds 5. Deuteronomy: Watch your package 6. Joshua: Israel sets the tone 7. Judges: Samson, generally 8. Ruth: Something for the ladies 9. I Samuel: A bad time to be a Philistine 10. II Samuel: King David in search of pussy 11. I Kings: King Solomon in search of pussy 12. II Kings: Elijah and Elisha make everyone miserable 13. I Chronicles: Begatting aplenty 14. II Chronicles: More mass slaughter by Israel 15. Ezra: God starts complaining and does not stop until the end of the Bible 16. Nehemiah: The one that everyone skips 17. Esther: Xerxes rues the day he trifled with the Jews 18. Job: Satan convinces God to screw around with Job for no reason 19. Psalms: God's favorite poems 20. Proverbs: God's favorite cliches 21. Ecclesiastes: Morrisey ghost-writes 22. Song of Solomon: God's favorite stroke material 23. Isaiah: God predicts birth of son; trouble follows 24. Jeremiah: Jeremiah is God's only friend; must listen to His whining 25. Lamentations: Jeremiah is sad he must hang out with God all the time 26. Ezekiel: Loopy schizo freak hallucinates, writes it all down 27. Daniel: Civil servant has difficult boss 28. Hosea: Prophet spawns bastard children; God gives them funny names 29. Joel: Filler 30. Amos: God still pissed after 30 chapters 31. Obadiah: Boring, but short 32. Jonah: It's not a whale, it's a "great fish" 33. Micah: God picks overblown hams to be His prophets 34. Nahum: Nineveh gets is ass kicked 35. Habakkuk: Stupidest-named book in the Bible 36. Zephaniah: Or maybe not 37. Haggai: You better think twice before you go gallavanting around on God 38. Zechariah: God now pissed at His own prophets as well as everyone else 39. Malachi: Watch your ass; God is coming back |
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