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TEN WAYS TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU HAVE INADVERTENTLY BECOME AN ASSHOLE 1. You bought an SUV with a television and a D.V.D. player in it, and you blame having done so on your children 2. You talk on your cell phone during movies and justify it by the fact that other people are also doing it, probably 3. You begin to make all your moral, ethical and political choices based on how they will affect the amount of taxes you pay 4. You not only start thinking that things were much better when you were young (or, alternately, that things are much worse now), but you start saying it, to anyone who will listen 5. You have begun to believe that a person's worth really can be judged by how much their shoes cost 6. You place entirely too much emphasis on spelling, either by thinking good spelling is completely unimportant or by thinking that bad spelling makes someone's opinion worthless 7. You have said "do you know who I am?" to a service industry employee with sincerity 8. You find yourself gloating over the demise of communism even though you are not a former citizen of a Soviet bloc nation and you didn't actually have anything to do with it 9. You get very angry in traffic not because it is generally slow, but because you think it is more important that you get to wherever you're going than it is for other people to get to where they're going 10. You are Dennis Miller TEN IDEAS THAT HAVE PROVED REMARKABLY DURABLE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE PATENTLY UNTRUE 1. It's better to be your own boss 2. Crime does not pay 3. In America, anyone can grow up to be President 4. In America, anyone can grow up to be a millionaire 5. In America, anyone can grow up to be whatever they want 6. Astrology has some value or veracity 7. Being cold leads to having a cold 8. One beer is just as good as another 9. We need more policemen on the streets 10. Electing people named "Bush" is a good idea TEN INEXPLICABLY SUCCESSFUL CAREERS 1. James Patterson 2. Jeff Koons 3. Michael Bay 4. Rob Liefeld 5. Tim Allen 6. Sean Combs 7. Walter Annenberg 8. Isaac Mizrahi 9. Ayn Rand 10. Ronald Reagan TEN THINGS PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF THESE DAYS FOR SOME REASON 1. Bacteria 2. Having a car that is too small 3. Immigrants 4. Video games 5. Teenagers having sex 6. Tap water 7. China 8. Unions 9. Being insufficiently fertile 10. The record industry not making enough money TEN PEOPLE AFFILIATED WITH THE FOX NEWS CHANNEL AND AMUSING WAYS IN WHICH THEY COULD BE KILLED 1. Sean Hannity: tied to a wheelchair with timed explosives strapped to his body, then shoved down Mount Everest 2. Bill O'Reilly: fed a ten-course meal that has been laced with powdered concrete, which will harden in his intestines, causing his heart to explode the next time he takes a shit 3. John Podhoretz: covered with ground turkey and fed to a group of homosexuals and negroes who have been starved and teased for several weeks 4. Brit Hume: placed inside a very tight, wet leather domination outfit, then set out in the sun 5. Geraldo Rivera: decapitated, then his head sent to Charles Manson in a box 6. Roger Ailes: injected with sodium perborate, a chemical agent which inhibits the absorption of moisture, so that he drinks and drinks but nevertheless shrivels into a dessicated husk 7. Brian Kilmeade: dropped naked down a smokestack 8. Neil Cavuto: forced to eat his entire month's salary in coins 9. David Horowitz: drawn and quartered by a cement mixer, a manure truck, a NASCAR pace car, and a taxicab driven by a Yemeni immigrant 10. Rupert Murdoch: call his name when he's boarding a private FOX News helicopter, so that he suddenly stands up to turn around and see who's calling and his head his chopped off by the helicopter blades |
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