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ORIGINAL NAMES FOR LEGENDARY ALBUMS AND WHY THEY WERE NOT USED 1. Music from Big Pink, The Band: Suck My Big Pink One (rejected by nervous record company executives) 2. It Takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back, Public Enemy: It Takes At Least Five Or Six People To Hold Us Back (felt to give the wrong message to the black community) 3. Blue Corpse, Jandek: The Beatles Reunion Album (possibly misleading) 4. Wowee Zowee, Pavement: Oopsie Doopsie (too cute) 5. Hard Candy Cock, GG Allin & the Scumfucs: GG Allin's Smooth Sounds for Young Lovers (Allin thought title could be more offensive) FAMOUS PEOPLE'S REAL NAMES 1. Jennifer Lopez: Cornelia Junibeth Witherington-Boddicker 2. Courtney Love: Bette Midler Jr. 3. Pink: Green 4. Ben Affleck: Casey Affleck 5. Martin Scorsese: Beanfart Q. Flappindick III PROPOSED MILTON-BRADLEY BOARD GAMES THAT FAILED AT LEAST PARTLY BECAUSE OF THE NAME 1. The Game of Violent, Painful Death 2. Tristramshandyland 3. Poop-Chutes and Bladders: The Excretion Game 4. Fuck a Whole Bunch of Parker Brothers 5. Milton/Bradley: The Fun Family Game of Slash Fiction WHEREFORE ART THOU ROMEO?: SHAKESPEARE'S FIRST ATTEMPTS AT NAMING HIS MOST RENOWNED PROTAGONISTS 1. Unnamed Montague & Unnamed Capulet 2. Hamlet Jr. & Ophelia II 3. Fancy-Pants & Hot Stuff 4. Romeo Tanghal & Juliette Lewis 5. Homeo and Julie-eat-it REJECTED NAMES FOR CNN'S CONTINUAL COVERAGE OF THE ATTACKS ON AMERICA ON SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001 1. A Nation Mourns Its Dead, Even the Ones Who Were Illegal Below-Minimum-Wage Restaurant Workers 2. The War on Terror Begins: Terror 3, War 0 3. Tales of Titanic Tremendous Twin Tower Terror Time!!! 4. Here We Come, Ragheads 5. America Shits Itself |
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