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LUDIC LISTS

11.27.2004

BE THANKFUL

1. It's not a holiday tradition that you get slaughtered, gutted and shoved into an oven, unless you are a turkey

2.  You don't have to make out with a gross, ill-kempt egomaniacal homophobe, unless you are Polly Harvey

3.  You didn't murder your wife and then get subjected to a highly publicized trial which became a referendum on your bad haircuts, unless you are Scott Peterson

4.  You aren't the laughingstock of an industry which is itself a laughingstock, unless you are Rob Liefeld

5.  Your president isn't a self-serving, habitually dishonest, imbecilic demagogue, unless you are an American

THE TURKEY:  AMERICA'S BIRD

1.  Giblets come out red, white and blue

2.  Clucks out the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" just prior to being decapitated
 
3.  Often filled with the same steroids which power our beloved national sports heroes

4.  Unlike country of Turkey, turkeys are Christian, not Muslim

5.  If taken overseas, turkeys tranform into fat, tasteless chickens

LITTLE-WATCHED THANKSGIVING TV MARATHONS

1.  Lifetime:  "Models Inc." blooper reel marathon

2.  Sci-Fi Channel:  "Manimal"/"Misfits of Science" marathon

3.  The Cartoon Network:  "Fish Police" season 1/"Capitol Critters" entire series marathon

4.  Court TV:  "Cop Rock" live on stage marathon

5.  Nickelodeon:  "Guinea Pig" movie marathon (edited for television)

ALTERNATE THANKSGIVINGS

1.  Hanksgiving:  eat only food that comes from convenience stores; listen to endless remixes of Hank Williams Jr.'s "Are You Ready for Some Football?" song

2.  Cranksgiving:  eat canned gravy and frozen turkey loaf heated over a portable electric hot plate; write angry letter full of conspiracy theories to local newspaper

3.  Tranksgiving:  serve turkey laced with Quaaludes; hunt down rough-housing children with dart rifle

4.  Wanksgiving:  don't eat anything; spend entire holiday masturbating to naked celebrity photos downloaded from internet

5.  Stanksgiving:  listen to Outkast on permanent rotation while cooking dinner; do not bathe over the entire weekend

SIGNS THAT CHRISTMAS IS ON THE WAY

1.  People start feeling sorry for Muslims and Jews instead of hating them

2.  Junk food acquires festive package redesign

3.  Forests are decimated for harvesting of Christmas trees rather than for making Big Mac boxes or clearing of grazing land for future Big Macs

4.  Characters on popular television shows suddenly manifest brief interest in the lives of other human beings

5.  Normal American consumerist frenzy becomes rabid consumerist psychotic breakdown

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