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ACTIVITIES GENERALLY FREE FROM MOB INFLUENCE 1. Toothpick manufacturing 2. Singing of madrigals 3. Operation of deep-sea diving bells 4. Performance art 5. Theoretical physics EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM STEPHEN KING BOOKS 1. Nerdy, bookish guys will always triumph in the end over big dumb football jocks 2. Hot chicks, usually redheads, are always attracted to hack writers 3. No trite phrase or tired old saying favored by an elderly or deceased relative isn't worth remembering, repeatedly, especially if you need to pad your 200-page novel out to a nice round 1000 pages 4. Anarchy and chaos are bad; law and order are good 5. The best way to defeat an unspeakable horror, or to deal with any kind of traumatic life experience whatsoever, is to regress to your childhood SURPRISING REVELATIONS IF YOU DO A TEXT SEARCH OF A DIGITAL VERSION OF THE Q'URAN FOR THE PHRASE "RELIGION OF PEACE" 1. Surah XXXIV.29: "Take this religion Of peace, and then you cram it Right up your ass sideways With a hammer." 2. Surah XXIV.36: "Boy, I really hope The right-wing nutjobs Don't see through this whole charade About the 'religion of peace' thing. Because if they do, We are totally screwed, man. I mean it, brother: The jig is well and truly up then." 3. Surah LXII.1: "You know what rocks? How we say we are Totally, like, this Religion of peace When all that we want Is to kill a bunch of people With a hammer." 4. Surah VI.64: "Islam really ain't A religion of peace; It's all just a big scam So we can kill Jews. Not like the Christians." 5. Surah XCVIII.5: "I've been so busy lately Blowing up shit And killing broads -- You know, the religion of peace stuff -- I hardly have time To keep track of Little Green Footballs. Damn those clever Christian bastards! I think that they're onto us. God damn it." MOCKERY OF FRANCO-ITALIAN INCOMPETENCE IN THE SECOND WORLD WAR, USING FIVE DIFFERENT RHETORICAL FIGURES 1. Hyperbation: "Unused rifles they were, these hallmarks of the Italian army." 2. Hendiadys: "The Maginot Line is created, a thing of infamy and brutality and ill-conception." 3. Isocolon: "He lives forever in our memory as a man with the bravery of a Frenchman and the competence of an Italian." 4. Epanorthosis: "To the end, mes fréres, we shall fight to the bitter end! Which, it would appear, this is." 5. Symploce: "Who is it who cannot seem to locate his army when I need it? It is Mussolini. Who is it who cannot defeat one lousy America fleet? It is Mussolini. Who is it who sits on his hands whenever I have some parasitic Jews who need killing? It is Mussolini. Who is it who gets his ass handed to him by goddamn Ethiopia, for Chrissake? Again, it is Mussolini." THE NEW TESTAMENT, IN LIST FORM 1. Matthew: Jesus, Take 1 -- the prophets totally knew this was going to happen 2. Mark: Jesus, Take 2 -- classic Jesus 3. Luke: Jesus, Take 3 -- the Jesus no one remembers 4. John: Jesus, Take 4 -- Jesus, the asshole years 5. Acts: Apostles, lacking direction, annoy everyone in Middle East 6. Romans: Paul introduces baffling pseuodo-theology to Christianity 7. I Corinthians: Paul has high opinion of self 8. II Corinthians: People of Corinth need to shut the fuck up and give Paul money 9. Galatians: Christians better than other people, need not obey the law 10. Ephesians: Christians welcoming, not like those stuck-up Jews 11. Phillipians: It's okay to be a manipulative, greedy cynical liar in aid of Christianity 12. Colossians: People of Rhodes get a crappy epistle 13. I Thessalonians: Jews killed Jesus, made God angry 14. II Thessalonians: So, what's new in Thessalonika? 15. I Timothy: Paul says "shut up, bitch" 16. II Timothy: Paul says "I am awesome" 17. Titus: Everyone should do what they're told and not ask a bunch of fool questions 18. Philemon: Philemon gets own epistle; no one cares 19. Hebrews: Hey, Jews, we were just kidding, come worship Jesus with us 20. James: Don't talk, don't doubt, don't ask questions, don't be nice to people 21. I Peter: Peter justifies reputation as stupidest disciple 22. II Peter: Jesus coming back any day now 23. I John: John is big fat hippie 24. II John: John is still big fat hippie 25. III John: Like most hippies, John does not know when to shut up 26. Jude: Nepotism rears its ugly head 27. Revelations: Hippie John goes nuts, records loony peyote visions for posterity |
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