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ABORTED CHRISTMAS SPECIALS 1. A Twin Peaks Christmas (The Man from Another Place refused to wear elf costume) 2. Home for the Holidays with Martial Law (Sammo Hung's family are all Buddhists) 3. A G vs. E Christmas Carol (test marketing showed young children were frightened by Deacon Jones' voice-over narration as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Bitch) 4. Hello, Larry, It's Me, Santa Claus (Santa would not agree to be on Hello Larry at any price) 5. Christmas with the Test Pattern Indian Head (not enough advertising revenue) A WU-TANG CHRISTMAS 1. On the first day of Christmas, Inspectah gave to me tracks like quarterback sacks from L.T. 2. On the second day of Christmas, the Meth Man gave to me another corn chopped by the Wu-Tang sword 3. On the third day of Christmas, the RZA gave to me eighty proof Absolut mixed with cranberry fruit juice 4. On the fourth day of Christmas, Chef Raekwon gave to me style wilder than a praying mantis 5. On the fifth day of Christmas, the U-God gave to me golden pinky rings (shit!) 6. On the sixth day of Christmas, the Ghostface gave to me golden brass diamond embroideries 7. On the seventh day of Christmas, Cappadonna gave to me somethin' in the street went BANG-BANG 8. On the eighth day of Christmas, the Masta gave to me trendsetters in Wu leathers, whatever 9. On the ninth day of Christmas, O.D.B. gave to me a walk with the Nine-Finger Bandits worldwide 10. On the tenth day of Christmas, Street Life gave to me an egg crashed by his hellz wind staff 11. On the eleventh day of Christmas, dog Shyheim gave to me an N.W.A. with a nineteen-shot Glizzy 12. On the twelfth day of Christmas, the GZA gave to me the rudeness, the reckless, the motherfuckin' ruckus ATHEIST CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS 1. The drinking of the secular eggnog laced with cognac 2. The hanging out with Jewish friends and snickering 3. The not feeling guilty because we're spending our savior's birthday helping our kid assemble a $300 scooter 4. The rolling of the eyes at the B.C. Christmas cartoon 5. The retelling of the story of Christ, with a special emphasis on how God totally played him for a chump ST. NICK'S ASSISTANTS 1. St. Rick (responsible for delivering 'adult' presents like lingerie and sex toys, so Santa doesn't traumatize any children by accidentally leaving the wrong package) 2. St. Jick (making you wish Pavement was still together) 3. St. Slick (putting a brand-new tube of bright orange lipstick in every good hooker's fishnet stocking) 4. St. Hick (wavin' around a shootin' iron an' tellin' that fat bastard to git off'n mah roof) 5. St. Dick ("looking after" Mrs. Claus while Santa is away) ALL-TIME GREATEST CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT NEVER GET PLAYED ON THE RADIO OR OVER SHOPPING MALL P.A. SYSTEMS 1. "Slick Nick You Devil You", Fishbone 2. "Sandy Craws is Coming to Town", Joseph Spence 3. "Blue Christmas", Eilert Pilarm 4. "Christmas is Really Fantastic", Frank Sidebottom 5. "Santa Dog", the Residents |
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