Merry Christmas, baby; pleas come home.

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LUDIC LISTS

12.18.2004

NEW REINDEER

1.  Dienstag

2.  Blitzkrieg

3.  Glitzen

4.  Comic

5.  Sloan

ELF LABOR LAWS

1.  must never be called "little people"

2.  no work on Easter, Martin Luther King Day, Elfest, and other major Elven holidays
 
3.  reparations from Dudley Moore

4.  no more working outside because "it's such a nice day, for the north pole"

5.  Mrs. Claus keeps her racist jokes to herself

SANTA BEEF

1.  didn't get any licensing money for Bad Santa

2.  those claim-jumping bastards at eClaus.com

3.  Just For Men is really hard to find up here

4.  PETA getting on my ass about the fucking reindeer

5.  too many cookies, not enough gin

NEW HOLIDAY CLASSICS

1.  "Jingle Bell Drum 'n' Bass Odyssey"

2.  "God Rest Ye, Mary Gentlemen"

3.  "O Come All Ye Marianne Faithfull"

4.  "Put a Little Jesus in Your Eggnog"

5.  "A Bill Buckley Christmas"

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

1.  My two front teeth

2.  My left kidney

3.  The second, fourth and fifth fingers of my right hand

4.  The lower three inches of my spine

5.  All the other stuff I lost in the fight with that security guard at SantaLand Village

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