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12.27.2004
SHORT-LIVED NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Patch things up with Poland (Adolf Hitler,
1938)
2. Stay away from the nurses (Richard Speck, 1966)
3. Get serious about finishing the novel (J.D. Salinger,
1964-present)
4. Ask the guys to let me back in the band (Pete Best, 1963)
5. Don't get wiped out by, I dunno, a giant tidal wave or
something (Rasham Puriman, 2004)
WHY 2005 WILL BE THE BEST YEAR EVER
1. adds up to lucky
seven!
2. possible Rolling Stones farewell tour, this time for sure!
3. that Osama bin-Laden guy has been keeping pretty quiet!
4. manned mission to Mars, any day now!
5. Martha Stewart gets out of jail and can get back to running
her benevolent, folksy multi-billion-dollar merchandising empire!
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR DICK CLARK
1. David Brock & Media Matters' New
Year's Brockin' Eve
2. Don Dokken's New Year's
Dokken Eve
3. Father Paul Shanley's New
Year's Defrockin' Eve
4. Mobb Deep's New Year's
Glockin' Eve
5. Shabbadoo Quinones &
the Boogaloo Shrimp's New Year's Poppin' and Lockin' Eve
NEW YEAR'S CHILDREN'S
SPECIALS
1. 1974: The Little Year
That Couldn't
2. A Toilet-Trained New Year
3. How To Get Out of a
Resolution with Tom Arnold
4. Ring in the New Year By
Buying More Yugi-Oh Booster Packs
5. Old Man 2004 & Baby
2005: A Celebration of Diapers
WHAT YEAR IT IS IN OTHER CULTURES
1. Chinese:
the year of the horse
2. Jewish: 5765
3. Muslim: 1425
4. Hindu: ooga-booga-04
5. Scientologist: Xeemu Year 467,004 |