New Year rising.

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LUDIC LISTS

12.27.2004

SHORT-LIVED NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1.  Patch things up with Poland (Adolf Hitler, 1938)

2.  Stay away from the nurses (Richard Speck, 1966)

3.  Get serious about finishing the novel (J.D. Salinger, 1964-present)

4.  Ask the guys to let me back in the band (Pete Best, 1963)

5.  Don't get wiped out by, I dunno, a giant tidal wave or something (Rasham Puriman, 2004)

WHY 2005 WILL BE THE BEST YEAR EVER

1.  adds up to lucky seven!

2.  possible Rolling Stones farewell tour, this time for sure!
 
3.  that Osama bin-Laden guy has been keeping pretty quiet!

4.  manned mission to Mars, any day now!

5.  Martha Stewart gets out of jail and can get back to running her benevolent, folksy multi-billion-dollar merchandising empire!

POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR DICK CLARK

1.  David Brock & Media Matters' New Year's Brockin' Eve

2.  Don Dokken's New Year's Dokken Eve

3.  Father Paul Shanley's New Year's Defrockin' Eve

4.  Mobb Deep's New Year's Glockin' Eve

5.  Shabbadoo Quinones & the Boogaloo Shrimp's New Year's Poppin' and Lockin' Eve

NEW YEAR'S CHILDREN'S SPECIALS

1.  1974:  The Little Year That Couldn't

2.  A Toilet-Trained New Year

3.  How To Get Out of a Resolution with Tom Arnold

4.  Ring in the New Year By Buying More Yugi-Oh Booster Packs

5.  Old Man 2004 & Baby 2005:  A Celebration of Diapers

WHAT YEAR IT IS IN OTHER CULTURES

1.  Chinese:  the year of the horse

2.  Jewish:  5765

3.  Muslim:  1425

4.  Hindu:  ooga-booga-04

5.  Scientologist:  Xeemu Year 467,004

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