LUDIC LISTS

WHAT JESUS IS DOING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY

1. Making prank phone calls to Barrabas

2. Resisting urge to tell Mary that all He ever wears is a robe and sandals, so maybe just once she could refrain from buying Him a necktie

3. Telling all His friends for the 1,995th time how much it sucks to have your birthday and Christmas on the same day

4. Wondering what it would have been like if He'd taken Satan up on the whole temptation thing

5. Having a nice, quiet get-together where he invites a few of his closest friends who didn't send him to Earth to get horribly tortured and murdered ; not inviting Dad

REALISTIC NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NON-GOAL-ORIENTED

1. Getting up at some point, or at least trying to avoid bedsores.

2. Eating less. Or possibly more. At the very least, making some sort of change in dietary habits. For example, no more egg nog after the holidays.

3. Making vow not to follow in footsteps of Hitler, Stalin, or Pol Pot. For the most part.

4. Finally getting around to making a list of all the books you meant to read over the last few years.

5. Creating new set of resolutions this time next year.

MORE CHRISTMAS MYTHS EXPLODED

1. Wise men not all that wise, as evidenced by their bad financial investments, foolish romantic entanglements, and prediction that the Saducees were the "horse to bet on", theologically speaking

2. Shepherds were not actually keeping watch over flocks by night, but were all just hanging out in the fields getting high

3. Jesus' virgin birth slightly less miraculous when you got a look at the guy who delivered pizza in Joseph's neighborhood

4. Herod's order to kill every first-born child was initially order to count every first-born child, taken to extremes by unstable census worker faced with unusually high fertility rates

5. There was room at the end, but Joseph had maxed out all his credit cards on a kegger for him and the other boys at the carpenter's shop

GIFTS I HAVE GOTTEN IN DREAMS BUT NEVER, SADLY, IN REAL LIFE

1. F-16 fighter aircraft

2. Realistic action figure set of Marvel super-heroes, including surprisingly accurate dioramas of the Baxter Building and Wakanda

3. Numerous firearms

4. Hot sex with actress Khrystyne Haje of TV's "Head of the Class"

5. Alien being composed of energy

WHATEVER BECAME OF THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS?

1. Partridge flew away. Pear tree had bad winter, but is doing fine.

2. Turtledove's historical novels plodding, overrated.

3. French hens eaten.

4. Calling birds distracting, noisy; given to pet shop.

5. Kept one gold ring; pawned others.

6. Geese originally meant to be cooked, but there were too many; given away. Kept eggs.

7. Swans given away. Terse e-mail written to boyfriend re: desirability of birds as gift.

8. One maid kept; remaining seven proved ruinously expensive and were discharged. Reminded boyfriend that song was originally metaphor for rituals of Catholicism and not meant to be taken literally.

9. Eight drummers returned to bands; one became new boyfriend after promise extracted not to give birds as gifts.

10. Pipers did not arrive. Old boyfriend suggested contacting UPS customer service. This advice was not followed.

11. Told boyfriend to please come and pick up his strippers, and that this was really more a gift for him.

12. Lords sobered up, returned to Britain.