THE RAG IN ROCK

Like most Americans -- well, let us speak frankly here:  like all Americans -- I seek validation through popular culture.  And as an Arab-American and a fan of rock 'n' roll, I naturally look to the Arab rock star to provide that sense of validation.  The problem with this, though, is obvious:  my people have had about as much impact on the world of pop music as Fijians have had on space travel.  Being recent emigres to these United States, growing up in generally repressive religious cultures, and coming from a non-western musical tradition, the Arabs -- while undeniably intelligent, strong and possessed of a wilt-inducing sexual charisma -- have not exactly taken rock music by storm.  

So, like the homosexual who believes that everyone on TV is gay, like the stoner who insists that all the writers on The Simpsons are totally baked, like the white boy desperately trying to convince himself that Eminem is the illest MC ever to rock the mic, I pore over the pop charts week over endless week, seeking in vain the validation I need to be a properly satiated hyphen-American.  And what do I get for my labors?  Fuck all, is what:

1.  DICK DALE.  Yes, the King of Surf Guitar and the force behind "Misirlou" is a man to be reckoned with.  Unfortunately, he's only half-Lebanese; his Polish father somewhat dampens my ability to single him out as one of the peeps.  However, when you get a look at the only other two people on the list, you'll see why I'm willing to stretch it a bit.

2.  CASEY KASEM.  Known as "The Lebanese Superfly" by those who know him best, the velvet-throated, profanity-spewing voice of Shaggy is 100% ragin' full-on A-rab, as evidenced by his famous essay "Arab-Americans:  Making a Difference".  Unfortunately he is not technically a rock star, but a sort of ur-personality who recites lists of the accomplishments of rock stars; he is to pop music what a statistician is to baseball.

3.  TIFFANY.  The copperheaded '80s teen queen best forgotten for her processed-cheese remake of "I Think We're Alone Now" is also Lebanese.  She was last seen opening a lube & filter joint in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and even at the peak of her 'career' it was difficult to make the argument that she was among the pop elite.

And...well, that's it.  That's all there is, unless you're willing to afford platinum-haired Lebanese crooner the status of a rock star, which I for one am not So, what do I do faced with such a pathetic assortment of Rab-rockers with which to gain rock-by-proxy?  I do what anyone in that situation would do:  I make stuff up.  Therefore, allow me to present the greatest Arab rock musicians on Earth (imaginary edition)!

4.   THE RZA.  Yes, I realize that the mastermind behind the Wu-Tang Clan's signature sound and the Gravediggaz' finest still-living MC is not actually Arabic, but rather  an African-American from Staten Island.  However, I have invented a convoluted yet plausible scenario in which he is in fact Saudi Arabian.  It is far too complicated to go into here, but it can be yours by sending $5 via PayPal to this magazine.  Take my word for it:  it's a truly remarkable story well worth the small price.

5.  THE RESIDENTS.  This seminal freak-rock performance art combo famously appear masked in all their live shows, and nothing is knows about their names, identities or even nationalities.  Therefore, in absence of evidence to the contrary and despite the lead singer's pronounced southern accent, I am claiming that beneath the eyeball hats, they are in fact a Yemeni, an Iraqi, an Algerian and an Egyptian.  Prove me wrong, I dare you.

6.  LOU REED.  "Wait a minute," I imagine I hear you, the imaginary reader, saying.  "Lou Reed is not only not an Arab, he is in fact a Jew, which is the opposite of an Arab, sort of!"  To this I can only respond:  fuck off, this is my fantasy and I can do what I want.  Arabs and Jews are both Semites, two sides of the same coin, in fact virtually identical despite having spent much of the last half-century trying to wipe one another off the face of the planet.  If I decide that Louis Firbank is actually an Arab, then he is an Arab.  Hey, nobody thought he'd end up boning Laurie Anderson, either.

7.  THE IRON SHEIK.  I realize there are going to be objections to this one as well, foremost of which is that the Iron Sheik is not a musician but a wrestler, followed closely by the fact that he is not, in fact, Arabic, but Persian.  Well, according to my notes, you're wrong, Mr. Critic.  It says here quite clearly that he is from the United Arab Emirates, and that his Iran Number One!  Russia Number One!  U.S.A., Number TWENTY! was voted Album of the Year on thirty-six leading critics' polls in 1983.  So suck me. 

8.  AN UNNAMED THEORETICAL SUPERGROUP COMPRISED OF SHAKIRA, PAULA ABDUL, "CHILLI" FROM TLC, AND SALMA HAYEK.  Shakira and Salma are both half-Lebanese, Ms. Abdul (if ya nasty) is one-quarter Syrian, and Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas is one-fourth Saudi.  I think, between them, they make up a whole Arab.  In my fantasies, they are not a quartet of dated-sounded dance-pop songstresses as their actual musical output would indicate, but rather a riot-punk girl group that sounds like a cross between the Donnas and Team Dresch.  Also, Salma Hayek is not just an actress with amazing cantilevered breasts, but also a drummer.  Also, Paula Abdul is about twenty years younger. Also, the five of us are dating.

Aaaaah...do you feel that?  Validation.